Thoughts on years of blogging.

When I first started this blog, way back in mid-December 2008, it was because I figured I needed some sort of place to hang my virtual-hat as I ventured into the world of erotica. I'd started entering Alison Tyler's short short story contests, and other folks seemed to have a home base, so I would too!

At first I was pretty sure I was just talking to myself. And I was okay with that. I didn't get any comments that December. But I was venturing out and commenting on other blogs and thought "well, at some point someone will follow me home." That sounds kinda creepy, doesn't it? LOL.

I did my first post of 2009 on Jan. 5. That day I'd sent off my first erotica submission, a story I'd written many years before. But I got 2 comments from other erotica author/bloggers. The very first one was from Jeremy Edwards. That's cool, because I couldn't remember who had first commented on my blog (I went looking as I started this post), and now Jeremy is someone who, with his lovely wife Helia Brookes, are real world friends. As are many of the friends I've made through the virtual world of erotica blogs.

The other comment was from EllaRegina, whose entry in that first contest, spurred my entrance. I did get to meet her IRL, but she's been scarce these days. I hope she is well.

That year, 2009, was my most prolific year blogging, with 233 posts. I was drawn out of my shell, and that was the year I befriended artist Randy Lagana, whose work I was familiar with from a project that had been abandoned about four or five years before. I wanted to use some of his photography, etc. to illustrate my blog. I've never been one much for grabbing things off the web. I take/took a lot of my own photographs and if I used somebody else's work, I asked first. For the most part. That's just how I am.

I did an interview series with Randy, in three parts: 1, 2, 3. I should probably go back and read them. It's been awhile since I have. I had coffee with Randy this morning. We're now working together on the revival of that long-ago abandoned project, a poetry and photography journal: Stark. Randy has been taking nude photos of the poets that are included in the collection, some of them from the original selection of poets, some new. I'm one of the original ones, and I've not had my photo shoot yet. Soon.

He met me when I was new at all this, and full of enthusiasm and tentativeness. Now, not many people read this blog. I don't post often, and I'm sure those two things are interrelated. This post is an attempt to correct that. I started off blogging despite having no readers. In a way that gave me the freedom to write whatever I felt like.

Think I'm gonna try that again.

A month come and gone

I haven't been here since April. Blogger has a new look since the last time I logged in and posted anything. I almost couldn't, because I had to change stuff since Google is so all-tentacled now and I've been around on Blogger since before those days. Not with this blog, but another old one. For a moment I was afraid I couldn't get into my own blog to post!

We have been very busy with getting our house ready to put on the market. We want to move to Maine once it's sold. But we've been in it for more than 18 years and it's a lot of work. We missed our aimed-for date of March. Then April went by. Then May. Now it's June and we still have work to do. I've neglected my writing as well as [obviously] my blogging. Time to remedy that. Beware, the next paragraph will have lots of links.

Yesterday I traveled into New York City to attend a reading at Bluestockings for Kristina Wright's just-released Lustfully Ever After. I met Emerald (who was reading) and Tess Danesi in Grand Central and we had a wonderful dinner together at Noodle Bar. Then we walked the couple blocks to the bookstore where we met Sacchi Green and Michelle Augello-Page (both reading) out front. Inside was Kristina, and it was wonderful to finally get to meet her in person. Then Jeremy Edwards and Helia Brookes showed up. The reading was wonderful, and afterwards we wandered around finding a place that could seat our group. We ended up at Sauce, and had some delicious food, desserts, and wine.

Riding the train home, I realized how nourishing the evening had been for my writer-self. I've been so focused on doing stuff to the house–packing, cleaning, painting, refinishing, "staging"–that I've not allowed myself to go to that writerspace and that I've missed it. Sitting at the computer typing words, or scratching in a notebook often don't seem as important as taking another load to the storage unit or painting more window trim. But I realized that one of these days, hopefully soon, this house will be sold. And that writer-self needs to still be here. I do believe that if you don't use it, you lose it, mainly because I've seen it to be true. I need to use my writer muscles more. So, I'm going to try to blog more regularly, and not think of writing as something to do when...

So thanks to those wonderful folks last night. The connections I've made–no, change that to the friends I've made–through this online world of erotica authors, mean a lot to me. And here I sit, looking at all these words I've quickly written and I'm thinking "yeah, I need to do this more."

A lot to say, Part 1

It's been more than a month since I've posted anything here and I decided I better get my ass in gear and post something for June! This post will probably jump around all over the place, so fasten your seat belts!

Today I clicked on the the "yes, mobile template" button so that folks looking at my blog from a mobile device can hopefully read it easier, and so maybe more will read. Of course, I have to write something for there to be something to read, so I hope to remedy the lack of updates with various odd postings. If you are reading this on a mobile device and have read here before without the new fancy schmancy mobile template, I'd appreciate hearing if it made a difference or not.

This past Saturday (June 25), I read a few of my poems at Essensuality in NYC. Billed as "An Evening of Erotic Expression," this series run by Monica Day, is a wonderful venue for material that might not be appropriate to share at a "regular" reading venue.  I appreciate venues like this, and The Erotic Literary Salon (run by Susana Mayer, a friend of Monica's, in Philadelphia), where I've read before, because I get to read the poems that I don't do otherwise, like this one. I'll talk a bit about why in a minute.

I'd attended Essensuality once before, back in March when Jeremy Edwards was a featured performer. Then, and again this month, the evening is a smorgasbord of erotic performances, including music, dance,  poetry, fiction, memoir, skits, and more. It truly is an OPEN mike.

Which brings me back to why I don't read some of my poems for ... how should I put this? ... general audiences. I know that poems that erotically use the words cunt and cock in them would not go over with everyone (emphasis on everyone) at a plain old poetry reading. I am NOT in this for the shock value. Also, I am chicken. At venues like Essensuality and The Erotic Literary Salon, people are there expecting to hear stuff like that. *And if not, they make a quick exit. My hope is that someday, after reading enough times at venues like these, that I'll become more comfortable reading these sorts of works. Anyhow. It was a good evening. I think my friend enjoyed it. I'll be back next time (in September) when Emerald is scheduled to be a feature.

*****

One thing I've been dealing with over the past several years (at least) is how it feels to me that society in general STILL thinks that any and all expressions of our real sexuality should be kept behind closed doors, under the covers, and in the dark. I hear it in off-hand comments from friends, relatives, and acquaintances. I hear it in commentary from various self-proclaimed pundits. I heard a lot of it with the recent twitpic media frenzy. And all that reinforces the shame that I've been fighting against for way longer. It manifests in small ways.

For the past several months I've been working to revamp my personal website, the one for the "writer" me. For a few years, there was no linkage between there and here. Then there was a covert link on a crowded page. That page is gone now (too many broken links). My new site is going to fully meld all my various and diverse writing activities. It will link to this blog, and others. It will link to any poems I can link to. It will have video of my readings, including the one at The Erotic Literary Salon. 

I've been having a hard time with this. Working very slowly. Part of the reason is that while I want to be completely open about the Erobintica side of me (as I put it), I still am a little hesitant.

Why? Well, I'd keep going, but it's evening and we're going to watch the special features disc from Pan's Labyrinth tonight and I have to be up very early tomorrow. So I'm going to post this and come back to it - hopefully tomorrow afternoon.

Share and share alike: Day 5 Poem

Share

our space

our lines

our gaze

our bowl of cereal

share the fact that we don't know how

we got here, or what will happen next

I love today's drawing by Jeremy Edwards that is the visual inspiration for today's Not Without Poetry prompt. What it inspired was a short little ditty, rather spare, but exactly what I was feeling.

A tale of two readings.

Reading at the Erotic Literary Salon

touch
always
press of
skin against
skin
remember*




*from Memento Vivere




Last month I had the pleasure of reading at Philadelphia's Erotic Literary Salon with Jeremy Edwards. He was reading from his "eroto-comedic" novel, Rock My Socks Off and I  read some of my erotic poetry, which was quite a treat. Also, Emerald, who will feature there this month, read in the open mike.


This reading series, begun two years ago by Susana Mayer, is a wonderful venue, and I only wish it was closer to me, so I could go all the time (I am going to hear Emerald read on Dec. 21). Emerald and I got to meet Susana in the afternoon (both arriving at her place at the same time!) and we had some fascinating discussions. I think both Emerald and I were coveting her bookshelves. Then  Jeremy, his wife Helia, Emerald, my Philly friend Kam, and me, had a delicious dinner at a nice Indian restaurant around the corner from the venue, The Bohemian Absinthe Lounge.

The reading itself was fantastic. The open mike had wonderful poetry and erotica (check out Ricc Berra, who read an excerpt from this). I was impressed with the respectful and attentive crowd. How wonderful to have such a supportive-of-the-erotic spoken word series. Jeremy did a terrific job, as usual (I've heard him read before). If you want to watch Jeremy's reading, he has links posted at his blog, here. If I can figure out how to do the same, I will post mine here. Stay tuned.

This was the first time I've been able to do an entire reading of my erotic poetry, including my Seattle Erotic Arts Festival poems, as well as some of the ones here. Many of the poems are ones I've done in readings and performances during the past several years. But a few of them had never been read aloud before, poems with the words "cock and cunt." Poems that speak openly of my desires.  Though I hate to use the word, because it's so overused, I found reading these poems before an audience to be very empowering. The audience's reaction to my poems really touched me. I know that my poems have meaning to me, because I write my heart out, but several audience members came up to me afterwards and commented that they were moved by my words. That's heady stuff for a writer to hear.

Afterwards, I celebrated by sharing an absinthe with Helia, who was also eager to try it. Needless to say, I liked it. The whole ritual of the sugar cube and the ice water, the clouding of the liquor itself, well, I guess I'll have to write a poem!

**************

A week and a half later, I read again, this time here at home (sorta, about an hour away). I'd been debating whether or not to read one of my SEAF poems in addition to a few other erotic poems (I always do some erotic poems in my readings, surprise surprise). It was a small crowd on a very chilly night, and in a fit of bravery, I read Memento Vivere, a poem chronicling events of my sexual life. It's a very personal poem, and it's also a challenge to read, since it's partly visual. I was a little nervous about what kind of reaction I'd get here - most of the folks in the audience knew me and while some knew about my Erobintica activities, others did not. I'm happy to report that it went well. 

I kinda find it ironic that my erotic poetry is bringing together my Erobintica self with my other writing self (maybe selves?). I'd thought to keep them separate, for various reasons, when I started out. Slowly, the lines have merged and blurred. Soon, I imagine (hope?) there will be no boundaries. That's one reason why I read under my full real name at the Erotic Literary Salon. I am proud of Erobintica. It's a name I will continue to use. But there will be no more hiding. 

Several interesting writing-related opportunities have presented themselves recently, and it's not despite my erotic writings, but because of them. There's a lesson here for me. I'm hoping I'm an attentive student.

Reading my erotic poetry in Philadelphia!

Details here

Tomorrow night, Tuesday, November 16, I will be featuring, along with Jeremy Edwards, at The Erotic Literary Salon in Philadelphia.

I'll be reading my erotic poetry, including the two poems that were finalists at this year's Seattle Erotic Art Festival's Literary Art Showcase. This will be the first time I've read them in public, and my first purely erotic poetry reading. Should be fun and interesting.

Jeremy Edwards will be reading from his book Rock Your Socks Off . I'm excited to get to hear him read this and add his physical voice to his wonderful writing voice. I just have to remember to bring my copy to get it signed!

What month is is?

It's ShThFuUpAnWoOnYoNo (Shut The Fuck Up And Work On Your Novel) Month! I discovered this in a roundabout way. Yesterday, I read this post - "Write That Damn Novel" at The Rumpus, which lead me here, which lead me to the Colson Whitehead twitter. I love the internet.

As I said in my last post of last year, one of the things I want to do this year is finish my novel that I started in November. I'd wanted to be "good" and get a writing routine down this first week of January, but as fate would have it, no such luck. Though I did work on it, it wasn't every day. So, the above sentiment of STFU and do it seems quite insightful to me right now.

Which of course I'm not doing right now (working on my novel). I'm good at finding excuses to not work on it (interruptions from kids, "things" that need doing, the old blank mind). So STFU is a good sentiment to hear right now. I've thought about posting a little (sits and tries to think of the word) gauge (not word I was trying to think of) to keep a tally of here for the whole world (well, 3 or 4 folks) to see. But I decided not to, because I don't need ANOTHER reason to beat myself up.

So, I'm just going to shut the fuck up and work on my novel. Not totally - I'm going to post - but probably only once a week - sometimes more if something strikes me. But I need to keep the distractions from being too distracting.

Next Monday (January 11) though, there will be one really fun distraction - Jeremy Edwards book release party! Besides fun and games, he's going to be talking about how he approached writing his first erotic novel. And though my novel is not necessarily an erotic novel, it will (because I am me after all) have plenty of erotic elements. So, I'm looking forward to the discussion. And I'm hoping to "see" a bunch of my blogland friends - we've all been so quiet lately.

Working on our novels perchance????

Jeremy Does Dill - Spicy Summer Sundays

And he's in a fine pickle this time. Head over to Jeremy Edwards' blog where he's speaking French (I imagine Helia grabbing his arm and kissing it whenever he does that - haha), providing a scrumptious dilly bean recipe, and a bit about the sex life of Anethum graveolens (who knew?). Oh, and of course there's writing talk too!

Beginner's Ball - Why Erotica?

Come dance with us! This is the first of a series by some writers who are relatively new to the erotica "genre." Marina St. Clare, Helia Brookes, myself, and whoever else wants to join in. Helia came up with the name "Beginner's Ball." It will travel from blog to blog. Please feel free to jump in and comment - we're hoping those more experienced writers will find this just as interesting as us newbies do.

What do you make of this, Sigmund? by Randy Lagana

Why write erotica? Because for too long it scared me.

When I started looking through Randy’s work looking for a piece that would work with the topic I had in mind for this, I was drawn to the image above.

For me, it illustrates the line of demarcation.
What separates.
Where air and water meet – the surface.
Windows. Inside. Outside.
Mirrors. Reflections into infinity.
What is shown to the world. What is kept hidden.
Skin. Touching. Skin.

The artist has this to say about the piece above. “This is an example of just “playing around” to see what happens. Some very interesting things can happen when you give up control and let an image create itself. We may not want to delve too much into our subconscious mind, but it is part of us.”

That’s what writers do, only we use words. It’s interesting to me how words, abstract thoughts converted to symbols, can make us feel something. Happiness, sadness, fear, amusement, arousal. For as long as I’ve been reading, I’ve been drawn to words strung together in a way that arouses me.

(There was a great discussion about what books first “turned us on” back in January during the soup course of the blogland progressive dinner hosted by Helia Brookes and Jeremy Edwards).

But for a long time I resisted that pull. Wrote stories and took the sex out of them. Even when in my mind as I was creating the story, it was the main focus. No wonder the stories didn’t work.

For years I’ve toyed with the idea of writing erotica. Even wrote some, but kept it to myself. Didn’t even share it with my husband until a few years ago. Focused on other sorts of writing. But even there, the erotic refused to be denied. It’s part of who I am as a writer. As a person. So, in the past year several things happened that made me realize it was time to stop letting “being afraid” stop me. It feels good to not be denying that anymore.

But now that I’m doing this, I have to deal with the realities of writing. When the words don’t come (yes, pun intended). Endless fussing with a piece. That moment when you let go and send something out into the world. Rejection. Hmmm, just noticed these are all negative. Can you guess where I’m at?

Yes, it’s interesting when you give up control – I had “plans” for this bit of writing. But that’s not what wanted to show up.

A few years back I almost had the chance to work with the artist above. That didn’t come to pass. On the one hand I was relieved – I’d submitted work to the project on a whim, a brief moment of bravery. What was I thinking? Of course I would have gone through with it – I’m a daring chicken. On the other hand I was disappointed. I viewed it as a missed opportunity, and still do. An opportunity to do what? To test myself. To discover something about myself. I’m actually not much of a risk taker. Have spent most of my life playing it safe. But there’s a part of me that is very much the bungee jumper.

That me is writing erotica and sending it out into the world. That me started this blog. That me contacted the artist to find out if he’d let me use his work to help illustrate it. I was so pleased when he said yes, because I love all of his work, please go take a peek.

When the idea for this Beginner’s Ball came up, it was thought of as a way to have an open discussion about all the questions that us “newbies” might have. How did we get started? Is our writing accepted by friends, family? Do we use a pen name or not? Nuts and bolts. Where to submit work. How to deal with rejection. (I just got one in my inbox – it was short and not sweet – and yeah, it stings a bit – always does.)

I’m still trying to answer my question in a more thought out manner. If erotica scared me why am I drawn to it? Why not stick to the other writing? I know I’ve sort of asked this question before, but here goes again – why do you write erotica?

Sexy Mushroom Soup

On this snowy Wednesday, I'm going to be hanging out in the soup course at the blogland progressive dinner - today at From Socks to Fedora, It's Jeremy (or shouldn't it be from soup...?).

Jeremy and his lovely partner-in-eros, Helia, have some wonderful zinfandel, a great view, and the most arousing conversation. 

Messin' Around

With my blog that is. 

I'll write more later after my walk (& before the snow starts) - and after I drop in over at Jeremy Edward's blog where Nikki Magennis is talking about her new novel The New Rakes.