Doing it in public...

Reading from "Another Chance."

...reading erotica that is.

This weekend I'll get a chance to read part of my just published story "To Bed" in front of a who-knows-how-big crowd at CatalystCon East. I'm also going to read an erotic poem. Someone asked me once, "how do you do it?" in reference to reading my erotic work in front of an audience. And I've thought about that a lot. [Duh, if you know me, you know I think a lot about a lot of things.]

I was one of those kids who would feel sick to my stomach if I had to get up in front of the class. Same thing in college. But when I became a mom, I suddenly found myself having to speak for my kids as well as other kids, and that was so important, that I found a way to squeeze past my fear of speaking in public. I led volunteer meetings for new & experienced breastfeeding moms for years. Spoke at conferences. But reading or performing your own work, your own words, is very different.

About twelve years ago I started going to a weekly poetry series. I was writing poetry at the time - lots of angsty stuff since I was dealing with some old issues, but not sharing it. Finally, after weeks of being asked if I wanted to read in the open mike, I got up the nerve to read a couple of poems. And I didn't go back for months it seemed like. But eventually I did go back. And eventually I got "used to" reading my work. Some of it.

Some stuff I wouldn't read. But I did share it with my writing group, and when we decided to form a performance troupe [I'd never "performed" really before], when we worked on picking which poems to do, it was my more erotic pieces that were favorites. So, I gathered up my thin threads of bravery into a ball and "went on the road" performing poetry, including some of those erotic poems. Off page, in front of people.

Reading at The Erotic Literary Salon in Philadelphia

Now, ten years later, reading poetry or my erotica in front of folks doesn't phase me at all. That's not me being all brave and shit, it's not that I don't get nervous. I do. But I've also read enough to know that it's important for people to hear this stuff read without shame. Thank you The Erotic Literary Salon.

Yeah. Shame. Our culture and society attaches such shame to anything to do with REAL sex, that some really weird things happen. We can have 10 story high advertisements on the sides of buildings for underwear [no sex there, just move along folks], but try to have a beautiful black and white photo of a naked couple curled up together on the cover of an erotica anthology, and that behemoth online book sales place has a conniption fit. If you look over to the right, on the sidebar (you may need to scroll), there is a picture of Susana Mayer's SenSexual: A Unique Anthology. Those are the images used on the combined Vol. 1 & 2. That's the images as they should be. These photos were done by Arnold Skolnick, who created the iconic Woodstock poster.

But then look here - at the heart that had to be added in order for this cover to be able to be listed. When the volumes are split up [to be sold separately], the one image was deemed too explicit.

What's wrong with this picture? A somewhat rhetorical question. ----->




And then the images had to be edited for inclusion in a press release [below]. ??? What is wrong with the world? Another rhetorical question.

What's this all have to do with reading erotica in public? Only this - we create our own shame. Once you've read something in public that bares some quite innermost thoughts, and THE WORLD DOES NOT END, and people actually come up to you and thank you for reading whatever it was you read,
you start learning that it's possible to make a small difference in the world.

I  have a real problem with shame. That sentence can and should be interpreted in many different ways.

When I read my story from Joan Price's Ageless Erotica on Saturday night, I will be wearing my FUCK SHAME necklace, of that you can be sure. And there will be pictures.

Merry XXXmas

Earlier this week I went down to Philly for the Erotic Literary Salon where Emerald was the featured reader. It was great fun, and Susana Mayer, the  creator of the salon, had put out a challenge for folks to write naughty holiday haikus. My friend Kam tried his hand at some, even though he was traveling and couldn't be there. Susana read them and the audience sure seemed to like them. He said it was okay for me to post them here. So, without further ado...

Santa's pants on floor
Blankets piled in the corner
Giggles from underneath


Silky liquid runs down
Santa's elves have such long legs
Lapping up towards prize


Tight hole seldom plumbed
Santa positions with care
Plugs elf butt with glee


Soft lips suck long hard
Red cheeks bulge with excitement
She-elf smiles at boss


Santa traces breast curve
Mommy is doing more than kiss
Santa plunges deep


Santa watches you
Good girls know how to please lovers
Santa joins in now

A tale of two readings.

Reading at the Erotic Literary Salon

touch
always
press of
skin against
skin
remember*




*from Memento Vivere




Last month I had the pleasure of reading at Philadelphia's Erotic Literary Salon with Jeremy Edwards. He was reading from his "eroto-comedic" novel, Rock My Socks Off and I  read some of my erotic poetry, which was quite a treat. Also, Emerald, who will feature there this month, read in the open mike.


This reading series, begun two years ago by Susana Mayer, is a wonderful venue, and I only wish it was closer to me, so I could go all the time (I am going to hear Emerald read on Dec. 21). Emerald and I got to meet Susana in the afternoon (both arriving at her place at the same time!) and we had some fascinating discussions. I think both Emerald and I were coveting her bookshelves. Then  Jeremy, his wife Helia, Emerald, my Philly friend Kam, and me, had a delicious dinner at a nice Indian restaurant around the corner from the venue, The Bohemian Absinthe Lounge.

The reading itself was fantastic. The open mike had wonderful poetry and erotica (check out Ricc Berra, who read an excerpt from this). I was impressed with the respectful and attentive crowd. How wonderful to have such a supportive-of-the-erotic spoken word series. Jeremy did a terrific job, as usual (I've heard him read before). If you want to watch Jeremy's reading, he has links posted at his blog, here. If I can figure out how to do the same, I will post mine here. Stay tuned.

This was the first time I've been able to do an entire reading of my erotic poetry, including my Seattle Erotic Arts Festival poems, as well as some of the ones here. Many of the poems are ones I've done in readings and performances during the past several years. But a few of them had never been read aloud before, poems with the words "cock and cunt." Poems that speak openly of my desires.  Though I hate to use the word, because it's so overused, I found reading these poems before an audience to be very empowering. The audience's reaction to my poems really touched me. I know that my poems have meaning to me, because I write my heart out, but several audience members came up to me afterwards and commented that they were moved by my words. That's heady stuff for a writer to hear.

Afterwards, I celebrated by sharing an absinthe with Helia, who was also eager to try it. Needless to say, I liked it. The whole ritual of the sugar cube and the ice water, the clouding of the liquor itself, well, I guess I'll have to write a poem!

**************

A week and a half later, I read again, this time here at home (sorta, about an hour away). I'd been debating whether or not to read one of my SEAF poems in addition to a few other erotic poems (I always do some erotic poems in my readings, surprise surprise). It was a small crowd on a very chilly night, and in a fit of bravery, I read Memento Vivere, a poem chronicling events of my sexual life. It's a very personal poem, and it's also a challenge to read, since it's partly visual. I was a little nervous about what kind of reaction I'd get here - most of the folks in the audience knew me and while some knew about my Erobintica activities, others did not. I'm happy to report that it went well. 

I kinda find it ironic that my erotic poetry is bringing together my Erobintica self with my other writing self (maybe selves?). I'd thought to keep them separate, for various reasons, when I started out. Slowly, the lines have merged and blurred. Soon, I imagine (hope?) there will be no boundaries. That's one reason why I read under my full real name at the Erotic Literary Salon. I am proud of Erobintica. It's a name I will continue to use. But there will be no more hiding. 

Several interesting writing-related opportunities have presented themselves recently, and it's not despite my erotic writings, but because of them. There's a lesson here for me. I'm hoping I'm an attentive student.