Randy Lagana's "Thinking"It's been an interesting day. First the Amazon "glitch." Then more worrisome "news" at my husband's place of employment. Then I read an essay that got to me and made me think. And when I get to thinking, well, I tend to go deep.
Lot of emotions filtering through me today. The whole "glitch" brought back memories of times in the past when my righteous indignation won out over my innate tendency to hide. Or when it didn't. When I sat back and cowered - afraid that if I spoke up - that harsh beam would turn my way. There are times when I've written a letter that I'd like to think helped make a difference. I do believe that sometimes it can take just one vote.
But also, all too often I've been silent. Out of fear. Fear of what might happen if. Fear of being wrong. Fear of looking stupid. Raise my hand in class? No way. Speak up when I disagree? Nope. Because I know I would stumble over my own words and fall flat on my face. I was sure of it. And that kept me silent for a very long time.
So, watching the whole Amazon sales rank fiasco, I felt that conflict - speak up or keep quiet for fear of looking/sounding like a fool. My gut feeling is that the whole thing is an unintended consequence of some other action, either intentional or otherwise. And it spread like wildfire. I'll be very interested in how this pans out. I know that it affected me even though it didn't effect the one book on Amazon I have some writing in. Last month I went to post reviews for both Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories and Best Sex Writing 2009. I had trouble finding both of them. It was frustrating and made me feel stupid. And scared. I didn't like that. So I thought about it.
So, watching the whole Amazon sales rank fiasco, I felt that conflict - speak up or keep quiet for fear of looking/sounding like a fool. My gut feeling is that the whole thing is an unintended consequence of some other action, either intentional or otherwise. And it spread like wildfire. I'll be very interested in how this pans out. I know that it affected me even though it didn't effect the one book on Amazon I have some writing in. Last month I went to post reviews for both Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories and Best Sex Writing 2009. I had trouble finding both of them. It was frustrating and made me feel stupid. And scared. I didn't like that. So I thought about it.
Then later I read an essay that Donna George Storey wrote, A Pill To Change Your Life, about her mother's death from the diabetes drug Rezulin. I had to read it in two sittings because it was hard to read. All sorts of emotions welled up in me. It hit home because I have diabetes. When I was first diagnosed the other year, it was shortly before a good friend, the husband of a poetry colleague, passed away from pancreatic cancer. He had diabetes and when I went to see him just days before he died, I told him and he warned me to pick my doctor(s) carefully. He'd been on meds for years. I was on them for three months but then opted to work with just diet and exercise under the care of a naturopath. I lost a lot of weight and my health now is better than it's been in many years.
But that got me thinking about the deaths of friends again. And friends in general.
Part 2 tomorrow (actually on Wed. I just don't feel like writing right now.)
