Problem is, writers have to somehow put words down and for most of us that involves sitting. I've been resisting it today. But if I don't start typing, I'll fall even more behind than I already am. So.
I have a lot of "irons in the fire" - which is fun to say considering Mr. E. was giving blacksmithing demonstrations this weekend. Just on the writing front - Got stories to finish and polish and get sent off in time. Stories to start (the ideas are rattling round my head making a lot of noise). I'm working on an interview (my firstest ever!) with Randy Lagana. There's a new Beginner's Ball in the works with a working title of "are we erotic writers contributing to the downfall of civilization?" I have a chapbook I'm working on (poetry stuff) and an essay (or two or three). And more. Oh, and blog stuff.
Over at the Trollop Salon today, Alison Tyler has an interview with Tiffanie of Metal Taboo, a very cool jewelry biz. In the comments I said I'd like to have one that says FUCK SHAME. I've felt a lot of shame in my life - and I'm fucking tired of it. It does absolutely nothing to make this world a better place. Recently - I don't remember where - I read something bemoaning that people don't seem to feel shame anymore. That shame is a good thing. I think they're confusing shame and guilt (not the same - that's why I linked the term). I'm pondering all this now - watch for a blog post if anything worth reading shows up.
I've also been pondering the subject of friendships. When I was a small kid in Philadelphia there were just the neighborhood kids and we just tended to run around together (back in the halcyon days when kids were allowed to wander a bit) - but I don't remember any special friends. Then my dad was transferred to California. I missed about a month of fourth grade during the move and it was well into October when I was "the new kid." But I was very shy and tended to hang back and just watch the other kids play. We moved a couple more times in the same year and it was like starting all over again. Then I'd make a friend and she'd move. Or a friend of several years (the 6th grade to 10th grade years) would turn into a willowy beauty and drop me (always somewhat plain) when the boys started coming around. That seemed to happen over and over. I didn't know what it was like to have a close close friend. Maybe because I was very afraid of letting anyone in.
Never was the outgoing type. Painfully shy. Bashful. Utter lack of self-confidence. Inhibited. Self-conscious. Wallflower. The list goes on. Luckily I did make some lasting friends as I got older - in college - or as a mom. There are a few people I've been friends with for a long time now. Hopefully they'll be lifelong friends. But there are plenty of friends that have dropped back or dropped away completely, some permanently.
One thing that always made friendship hard for me was I always felt that I had to be some certain way in order for the friendship to work. I couldn't/wouldn't be my true self. Part of that was I wasn't sure who my true self was. Or I did, and I was ashamed. Let me tell ya - it ain't fun hiding from your friends.
Last year I reconnected with an old friend, but in an open, honest way and it's been a life-changing experience. It helped me see that I no longer want to be only "part" friends - in other words, keep part of myself - an important part of myself - separate from the friendship. And I've had good close friendships falter when I've been moved past my fear to speak my honest mind. Talk about negative feedback.
So, as I've slowly made new friends, they get to see the whole me. And that has felt so good. But it's also been painful, because sometimes you lose a friend. And it's getting harder and harder to keep part of myself from old friends that never knew that side of me.
I don't go running around screaming at the top of my lungs - I WRITE SMUT - but I refuse to be ashamed of it. I write a lot of other stuff too. And so I find myself contemplating sending letters (you know, real live with a stamp letters) telling old friends about what I'm doing and that if they don't think they can handle it, if they don't think they can be my friend - well then, better to know that now. It's a really scary idea. Don't know if I'm brave enough. Haha, which reminds me - someone landed on my blog by searching for "brave erotica robin" - I'm not sure what to make of that. I've never felt very brave, though I've survived a lot.
Not sure I've made any point here - it's been mostly rambling. For some reason I want to leave you with Joan Jett (yeah, been listening to her alot).
