Stuck

Bound by Randy Lagana

I have been unable to write anything for days. I sit at the keyboard and stare. These words are an attempt to break free of whatever is keeping me from giving voice to my thoughts and feelings and opinions and fantasies and desires ... and fears. Right now the fear seems to have the upper hand. I'm filled with anxiety every time I sit down to write. I mean actual, physical anxiety. And I'm hating this.

Ever since I got back from Momentum, I've been wanting to write so many things, but I haven't been able to. And just now, looking for that link, I discovered that my blog post about Mcon is featured on their blog round up here - and wow, they say "beautifully raw account"- and I'm sitting here kinda stunned. I've been struggling. There's a direction I want to take my writing, but all the negative messages I've received over the course of my life have frightened me into paralysis. And nothing anybody can say to me can get me moving again. Only I can do that. 

And I know how. But I'm so goddamn fucking scared. It's gonna require me to be strong and sure of myself - two things I don't feel I am. It's going to require me to speak honestly - not that I haven't been, but I am quite guilty of the sin of omission. There are truths that I hold back, because "nobody wants to hear them." 

Last night, at least I think it was last  night, I clicked on a link that Violet Blue had twittered, and watched the video of the trans girl being beaten in a McDonald's in Baltimore. It's pretty upsetting to watch (I'm not linking - find it yourself). And watching it, the question is posed in one's mind (hopefully), "what would I do?" - and I knew, in my gut, without a doubt, that I would have gotten involved. In fact, I worry I would have gone a little berserker. And see? This is the kind of writing that scares me. It's almost too honest. 

I've spent most of my lifetime hiding my "true" self (whatever the hell that is), and I worry I've hid it so long that I'm not sure even I could recognize the real me. When I got back from Momentum, I was all "fired-up" and thought I knew what I was going to do. But due to circumstances, I stifled myself (and I just remembered Archie Bunker telling Edith to "stifle"). I sorta understand why I did. And I don't like it. 

Today I clicked on a link that Susie Bright posted on Facebook, about Jane Mecom, Ben Franklin's sister. In those days, a girl was lucky if she was taught to read. Jane never really learned to write. She had 12 children, 11 of whom she buried. This was another piece that hit me somewhere deep in my gut.

So, yeah, I'm stuck. When I finish writing this, I'm going to check a few things, shut down my computer and get into bed and read. And hope that tomorrow when I get up, I can at least start looking for the key to getting unstuck.

Bound Freedom by Randy Lagana

Whoops! So much for everyday

Yesterday got away from me. I'd intended to do a post late afternoon after spending time writing, but we had some unexpected, unwelcome news and that was it. Then we were out in the evening and by the time we got home and I got to my computer, it was after midnight. And today I'm gonna be occupied too for the entire day and evening, so here's a link that should keep you busy enough for yesterday AND today.

http://oglaf.com/        Trudy Cooper's NSFW comic.

I clicked that link the other day on Violet Blue's blog and proceeded to waste enormous amounts of time.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Today is Lady Porn Day!

Call it serendipity or synchronicity. Today I found out, via Violet Blue, that today is Lady Porn Day! And through that link I discovered the Rabbit Write blog ("A public discourse on private matters"). It's also Erika Lust's birthday. Let me explain how this is seems synchronous to me.

*see note below

Last year, after doing the Please, Sir blog tour for Rachel Kramer Bussel, I was offered a chance to review Erika Lust's book Good Porn: A Woman's Guide. I was excited when it came in the mail, and proceeded to read through it. And I enjoyed reading it, but...


I felt totally unqualified to review it, or even talk about it. Why? Because, as a woman in her early fifties, I found myself conflicted when it came to even thinking about viewing porn, much less actually doing so. Oh, I'd seen enough clips here and there (like at the Museum of Sex), that I knew that I found visually explicit images a turn on. But a lifetime of messages that porn is BAD, along with my own issues surrounding my sexuality and all the myriad influences over the years on said sexuality, kept me from actually diving in and watching anything more than just those random clips.


But last night, I finally started working on my "Good Porn" review and sent some questions for Ms. Lust (that I'm hoping will be answered). Why did I suddenly get back on the ball (so to speak) and start working on this?  Because, for the first time, EVER, this past weekend, my husband and I sat down together and watched Erika Lust's first film The Good Girl (2005).


I'll be writing more about that, and about a lot of other things soon. My brain is working overtime. Let's just say that by the time I attend the Momentum Conference in April, I think I'll have gone through a sea change when it comes to what I'm able to write about. Should be interesting!


*Note: Today (Thursday), I just read a great post over at Kristina Lloyd's blog (with some great links to other blogs) about how at first all the promo pix for Lady Porn Day were of women (like the one above). That's been remedied I gather. I have to say, it has me thinking a lot about what I like and want to see. 

This is so cool!

Just saw this mentioned on Violet Blue's blog - a new online mag - Carnal Nation. 

I'm not going to get ANYTHING done today!