Last night I sat down and tried to write a blog post. Didn't have any luck. It was like coming face-to-face with a brick wall. The problem wasn't that I didn't know what to write about. I knew exactly what I wanted to write about. But I couldn't. There was that damn brick wall. Tall and solid. Blocking my way. I didn't want to ignore it and turn back. I'm done with turning back. How to get to the other side? Wrecking ball or creeping vine? Well, I tried the wrecking ball - typing and deleting, typing and deleting. But that was one pretty damn tough wall. So, I shut down my computer, watched a movie with the Mr., woke up in a better place, took a walk on this spring tease of a day, and now, here I am. A vine.
Since I started this blog in December 2008, I have gone through so many changes (if you actually want to read all those posts, read them in order starting with I - and more power to you!). Some of those changes I wish I'd not had to go through (the passing of friends), but even those losses, as painful as anything could be, have caused me to grow. Soon it will be one year since losing the friend that gave me the nickname Erobintica. And writing this post has clarified what that brick wall was built of.
This past Thursday I met a friend at Starbucks. We used to get together often - now we rarely see each other. We've been friends for seventeen years (our sons are the same age and we met when we were both pregnant). She does not know about Erobintica or any of her activities. I've wanted to tell this friend a number of times, but have always hesitated and watched the moment slip away. I can't go into the reasons why without saying more about her than I wish to in this public place. I've told many other friends and so far there's been no backlash - at least that I can detect. Some friends come and check it out, others don't, most don't say anything, some actually post comments. My grown daughters know though they've never asked for a link. They both know this friend and say my fears are needless. But still, I chickened out once again.
And this hurts. Because this Erobintica part of me has been instrumental in my growth. Since starting down this path, I've experienced what it feels like to really be comfortable in my own skin. After having spent most of a lifetime trying to reject this essential part of my soul, I've finally come to accept it. And I want others to accept it too. But some may not.
And I've caused pain. No two people grow at the same rate. Sometimes the fear gets the better of me and I think that maybe I should give up on all this in order to maintain the status quo. But I can't. I just can't. So, I just have to trust in growth. We watch two children grow together, one taller, then the other, and know that both will eventually get to be just as tall as they will be. In actuality, I'm short. I'll never have the legs I've always wanted. But I can have the spirit I've always wanted.
So, I'm not sure where that brings me. These days I'm doing things that surprise many folks. And while there is still a little pang of oh no what have I done?, for the most part, I'm at peace with my choices, even if those choices may meet with disapproval. I've been working on a post for the blog F-Stop: Expose the Naked I. Mr. E. has been taking the photos. It's been a trip and a half. Not sure when it'll be finished or when it will run. But when it does, I know I will have grown some more.