I've got the late winter blues. About this time of year, when other places where we've lived are experiencing the first signs of spring, the cold grip of winter starts getting to me. I find myself questioning the wisdom of my decisions - such as ... someday we'll be moving to someplace where winter is longer. It's not that I don't like winter - I do - but winter comes with extra weight that bogs me down. Physically and metaphorically.
So I sit here with the little cursor thingy going blink blink blink. Where am I going with this? Where am I going?
I guess I'm sort of at a crossroads with my life. Wondering where to invest my time. This week I got some disappointing news in my "other" writing life. Not that I didn't expect it, but it still stung the same as if it came as a surprise. I'm not good enough. That's what the little voice was saying. Oh, I've tried to put on a brave show - but I'm sort of shocked at how much this has shaken me.
And then I come up on the whole duality thing. I can't really talk about that part of my life here and I can't really talk about this part of my life there. Though they blend together in me, they are still separate to most of those outside of me. So I start wondering how far I want to go - with either.
I wonder how those of you who've been doing this for awhile handle the ... longing - to share successes and talk about what you're up to, when some of the people you'd like to talk to about this "don't know." How the hell do you do it?
In a way I've gotten used to being ignored in my "other" writing life - to an extent I guess. I do get some chances to talk about it - not the bragging "guess what I did" type but honest discussions of what it means to write - but often I get the feeling that the people I'm closest too don't "get it" and so I just shut up. Maybe we all do this. I don't know.
Now I've got this erotica thing - and while it feels wonderful to be finally allowing this part of myself to have a voice - it seems I've added a complication (in a way) to - blink blink blink - damn cursor - to being the "whole" person I want to be. Not sure if any of this is making sense.
What's happening is more and more I'm finding I have to bite my tongue in conversations because I realize the person I'm talking to doesn't know about this part of my writing life. And see? I can't even talk about what it really is about here - because ... because why? Because I do put a value on privacy. For my family, for me, for my friends. But writing tends to strip away that. Or it does if you want to share your writing. If I just wrote and shoved everything in a drawer I guess it wouldn't be a problem.
So, guess I need to work this out somehow. I don't want to give up ANY of the parts of my life that make me whole. But it's complicated. And it weighs me down.