Fighting back by writing like a motherfucker.

You can get one of these mugs here.

If you've known me lately, or read any of the posts here lately, you know I've been having a minor (or  major depending on point of view) meltdown. Yeah, I've been a mess. And that's disappointed and distressed (and/or pissed off) those friends and loved ones who have any dealings with me.

Today, while ranting hysterically at my husband (who was incredibly patient with me through it all), I said "I sound like my mother." Then, "I don't want to become my mother." And it dawned on me, through the haze of overwrought emotion, that I had so internalized her own view of herself, that I was continuing with her self-imposed limitations and self-destructive tendencies. Yeah. That same old rut. She died unhappy and unfulfilled. 

I don't want to do that. So, I'm gonna write like a motherfucker. That links to the signature Dear Sugar post at The Rumpus that gave rise to this saying. I've read that piece many times. Wish it would sink in. I have that mug. I drink mochas out of it (I also drink out of my fucking bunny mug, which I should take a picture of too). I have a lot of words in me. A lot of stories and poems and opinions and thoughts. All of which I've been deathly afraid of. 

It's hard - next to impossible really - to grow self-confidence overnight. Realizing I don't want to turn out like my mother (long gone now) has planted the seed. I'm going to have to use anger to fertilize it and tears to water it. Practicing healthy selfishness (something I'm totally unfamiliar with) will have to be the sunlight. 

I have to trust. We'll see what grows.