Saturday, March 19, 2011

Reflecting, mulling, pondering, considering, contemplating

All words for what I'm doing right now. There are stresses, both internal and external, in my life right now and I'm trying to figure out how I want to engage with them. As strong as is the desire to hide, I just can't do that in good conscience. 

It would seem that it would be nice if our lives always went according to plan. I do get tired of "the unknown" and wish for calm and predictable. For a bit, anyhow. I know I'd get bored real fast. But uncertainty is also a hard place to be in.

I've spent a large portion of my life trying to be someone other than who I am, trying to be something I want to be but am not. I am emotional. I get way too wrapped up in inconsequential things. I'm always questioning and doubting myself. I've been told I have good instincts, but when I go with them, it seems that the whole world comes down on me for not only going with them, but for having them in the first place. 

This post is about personal stuff. My family. It's always unsettling to me when my children don't get along. I come from a very dysfunctional family and so I think I desire something more for my own children. I want them to pull together and see past their individual differences. 

Before I had children, I'd fantasize about family get-togethers when they were grown with children of their own. Me as grandma. They'd all have their own lives, as individual as they've all turned out to be. But there wasn't any of the antagonism and lack of understanding that there seems to be in reality. 

I'm trying to reconcile that in myself.


Kam said...

It's interesting, I really haven't had my dreams for my child strongly challenged, yet, but I can see how unsettling that will be.

Erobintica said...

It's been ten days since I posted this and still no resolution. I keep having friends who are around my age tell me about how they weren't close to their siblings when they were in their twenties and how that changed, but still.