Thursday, May 20, 2010

Insomnia

I'm writing this blog post at five thirty am. I am awake, been awake since three. This is not like me. I like my sleep. Haven't had problems sleeping for some time. The thing about being awake in the middle of the night is that I start thinking. And with nothing to distract me I usually end up stuck with one set of thoughts that run circles around me. A feedback loop.

This morning I was thinking about friends and love and all that. I was wondering why I love the people I do. It's not because of what they do or don't do, what they say or don't say. It's not even because of who they are, the type of person they are. I love them just because I love them. I think that's why my love survives. My love is not based on anything. It just is. 

I get sad sometimes. People that I love do things that make me sad, upset me, bother me, irritate me, piss me off to no end, etc. ad nauseum. And I've always worried that when (if) I let them know that something they're doing isn't going over well, that they will no longer love me. That's thinking that is so deeply ingrained, from so long ago, that I sometimes wonder if I'm stuck with it for life.

But one thing that I've been doing differently, or trying to, lately, is be true to myself. I wasn't always, in fact often wasn't. Sometimes, oftentimes, that is hard, because I know that being true to myself means not pleasing someone else. And that starts a feedback loop. 

early morning thoughts
while sky lightens
birds sing awake
clock ticks





11 comments:

Jo said...

Yup. Things to wrassle with.

People are shocked at first but I think they get used to it fairly fast. Or just manage to deal.

Homeoathic remedy Camomila v good for that 'thoughts too busy to sleep' type insomnia.

Erobintica said...

I fought getting up for almost 2 hours. I'm thinking that if this happens again, I'll just get up. Take it as a sign to write in the middle of the night.

Jo said...

Well, I read that about proper full scale insomnia. That you shouldn't lie there feeling desperate, you should just get up and use the time.

There's lots of you erotica writers don't sleep well. I'd sleep like a baby if there wasn't one beside me, demanding things and kicking me in my various wobbly bits.

Emerald said...

I found your description of love gorgeous.

It doesn't seem to me that you (or anyone) are "stuck" with anything, Robin. Consider now how you felt ten or twenty years ago about being true to yourself, which you invoked in this post. Would you have seen back then that you would feel the way you do now?

(That being said, please don't think I don't acknowledge or appreciate deep ingrain-ment of patterns...)

The Universe is supporting you. And loves you unconditionally.

Love and hugs.

Erobintica said...

thank you Em.

Craig Sorensen said...

Robin said: I'm thinking that if this happens again, I'll just get up. Take it as a sign to write in the middle of the night.

I'll give it about 15 minutes. If I can't fall back asleep, I get up and write.

Of course, I'm basically a full time insomniac, so I'm not sure my advice counts...

I think the fact that you recognize those fears about people stopping loving you means you're in touch with it. Hopefully you will be able to see more clearly and make a change in your reaction. You deserve to be able to speak your peace to those who upset you or make you sad.

Kam said...

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who pisses you off - at least I hope I'm not...

Anonymous said...

Hate to tell you, babe, but it's the whacko mid-life hormones doing their dance at night and keeping you awake. When they really get to partying over the next few years, watch out...

Speaking from the other side, though, I kind of miss those insane all-nighters....

--L

Erobintica said...

Craig, and of course, last night (when I finally got to sleep) I had no trouble sleeping - had trouble waking up when my alarm went off!

Erobintica said...

No Kam, you're not. ;-)

Erobintica said...

L ... don't I know it! Yeah, this week's been crazy-making.