Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Quiet time

My life is going through a lot of changes these days. My oldest daughter got married. My other daughter is preparing to leave the country for close to a year. My son is getting ready to enter his final year of high school. I'm going through menopause (which sure has had an unfortunate influence on my erotica writing). Friendships are shifting and changing. What I do from day-to-day is shifting and changing. I'm not sure how I want to spend my time. There are lots of things that I "think" I  need to do ... because it's expected of me ... or I expect it of myself ... or I think others expect it. Many of those things are things that I want to do. I can keep myself plenty busy with all sorts of activities. But constant motion cuts me off from a lot. I realized that this past weekend up in Maine. My husband and I went up there, not to "work," but to relax (and maybe get some work done). I had a very hard time relaxing. Just being. I felt like I had to constantly be doing "something" even though deep down inside I didn't want to do any of it.

Maybe it's my age. Time is flying by. It's already half-way through August. It just was August, last year August, not too long ago. A lot has happened in that span of time. And nothing has really happened.

I woke from a dream this morning. I was going somewhere, walking along some sort of canyon. Red dirt. Dry. I wasn't alone, there were other people traveling with me. At one point someone wanted to show me something on a television. So I slid down the embankment, trying not to sink in the mud, to get to the television. What was on it was me, walking somewhere with other people. But I was younger, thinner, and I realized that I could never go back to that time. And it made me sad. Now that I have the awareness and knowledge to "make the most" of life, I no longer have the physical ability. Oh, I'm not old and decrepit, but I'm sure not a spring chicken anymore. And sometimes that hits a lot harder than other times. Right now I'm trying to pick myself up and dust myself off from this latest collision.

So, I'm not sure how much I'll be writing here. Oh, I will be, there are things I've committed to doing for here, but for the most part, until I figure stuff out, I don't want to be posting my tortured ramblings here.

4 comments:

Vegetarian Cannibal said...

I hope you feel better soon. You're in a bit of a funk right now, but I'm sure you'll snap out of it soon enough.

We're all here to support you. :D

Nikki Magennis said...

Hi Robin,

My first thought was aw, what a shame, I like tortured ramblings! But that's selfish.

Wishing you the best as you take time to reflect. It's absolutely true, we can't go backwards. It's a strange and bittersweet sensation, life passing, isn't it?

Erobintica said...

Thanks Veg. Yeah, hope I snap out of it soon.

LOL Nikki. I'm sorta the same way. But my friends and family didn't sign up to be part of my tortured ramblings, so I have to consider them. And I didn't want this blog to get maudlin.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to miss living my own angst through you. Damn. It might mean I'll have to drag myself out of the swamp and create my own forum of tortured ramblings.

Thinking maudlin thoughts of you.

But seriously...take care of you, okay?

--L